JULY 5, 1996
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
27
BIG TIPS
What do we do with a wedding present that barks?
by M.T. “the Big Tipper” Martone
Here's your inspirational tale du jour: One of my housemates, a 32-year-old mother of a four-year-old boy, just quit her dead-end job and is starting to take qualifying classes to get into med school. I spent last night quizzing her on the periodic table. (“A U, wanna buy a gold watch?")
It's never too late. Summer's a good time for shutting your eyes and picturing where you'd like to be in a year. Or ten, or fifty. Word on the street is that the phenomenon of retirement is dying out as people tend to live longer and the economy weakens, so most of us have some serious working days ahead of us, even into our 60s and 70s. The time invested in school, or training, or an apprenticeship seems a little shorter in that sort of long run, doesn't it? I take great personal pleasure in knowing that even if I get smacked dead by a bus tomorrow, at least I was trying to do what I want, plus my loans would be forgiven.
Dear Big Tipper,
Congratulate me, I just married! [Congratulations! -M.T.] My girlfriend ̃ ̄and I tied the knot on our ten year anniversary just last week. My lover did most of the "bride" jobs like planning the reception, and she had a shower, and I had the bachelor party. The only reason that this matters is to point out that I'm not so familiar with some of the finer points around weddings, specifically concerning gift giving.
Now, the kinds of presents I thought we'd get were towels, and we certainly got a lot of those, including four rainbow beach towels! What I didn't expect to receive was a Labrador retriever puppy! We rent a house, so there's room for her, but my lover and I have
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discussed dogs in the past, and had decided against one because my job involves relocation every few years, and we didn't want to have problems finding housing that would take pets.
"Ripley" is the sweetest thing ever, but we're already in a panic because she needs so much attention and training and food. It seems weird to return her, because you wouldn't return a baby, and I don't want to hurt our friend's feelings, but we're overwhelmed. What can we do?
Dear Pet Peeve,
Dog Tired
Good Lord, what was your friend thinking? Please know that you are completely within all rules of etiquette and polite behavior to return the puppy from whence it came, and if that's not possible, to turn the responsibility back over to the gift giver. It may be a baby of sorts, but you've already had the family planning discussion with your partner, and not even the Catholic church would frown upon your decision to send her back to the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.
Now, if your heart is softening after gazing into the pup's eyes, you may have a choice short of a 15-year committment. Try to find some agency that supervises home training of guide dogs for hearing or visually-impaired people. You could spend time being Ripley's boot camp sarge, then send her on her gainfully employed way. You certainly already have enough rainbow towels to make her the gayest puppy bed ever.
Let this be a stern warning to all those about to wed to register somewhere for your wedding presents. If you don't want or need china a-go-go or things from one particular store, entrust a friend with a list of suggestions, then let people know to check in with
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him or her for ideas. If all of this seems gauche and present-grubbing, ask for donations to be made to some favorite political or social service group in your name.
Dear Big Tipper,
I'm not usually the advice-asking type, but I'm at a loss, so here goes. A very close. friend of mine just died, and since she asked to be cremated, her memorial service is going to be held in about a month, to allow her friends and family time to get here from all over the country. I know I'll be speaking at that service, and that's where the problem
comes in.
M.T., Leah died after a long illness, and I'm glad she's not sick anymore, but I feel like I died too. She was my best friend. We came out together. We were each other's first lovers, and even though that didn't last very long, we kept a very strong connection that has sustained me through the past 17 years. She really taught me what it meant to love and be loved unconditionally. Even when I felt like no great friend, she wasn't just there, she loved me. No one put up with more than she did, both from me and from her own body. I know she knew how I felt, but that doesn't help me now. The problem is speaking at her memorial. I can't even think about her without choking up, and I can't imagine talking about her without crying. I don't
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know how I can stand up in front of people without embarrassing myself. Please respond quickly. Thank you.
Heartbroken and Tongue Tied
Dear Heart to Tongue,
You certainly don't have to worry about what you should say at the memorial service, because your letter is a beautiful tribute to Leah and your friendship with her. If you have a few weeks until the event, you may be able to talk about her with a bit more ease as the days pass.
If you still feel very self-conscious about speaking in front of everyone, you might write up something about her and your friendship, and copy it and hand it out at the service. If you want to speak though, please do. I'm sure you won't be the only one who's mourning her deeply, and you should feel no shame or embarrassment at crying in front of other people who'll completely understand. Just keep it short so you can get it out, and then have a friend hold your hand when you sit back down. Take care.
Send your questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail Chron Ohio @aol.com.
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